I was thinking, the one moment, it was the most stupid thing
on earth she should not have perceived my love; and the next, that
she had certainly perceived it long ago, and (being a wise girl
with the fine female instinct of propriety) concealed her
knowledge.
We had our walk daily. Out in the streets I felt more safe; I
relaxed a little in my guardedness; and for one thing, there was no
Heineccius. This made these periods not only a relief to myself,
but a particular pleasure to my poor child. When I came back about
the hour appointed, I would generally find her ready dressed, and
glowing with anticipation. She would prolong their duration to the
extreme, seeming to dread (as I did myself) the hour of the return;
and there is scarce a field or waterside near Leyden, scarce a
street or lane there, where we have not lingered. Outside of
these, I bade her confine herself entirely to our lodgings; this in
the fear of her encountering any acquaintance, which would have
rendered our position very difficult. From the same apprehension I
would never suffer her to attend church, nor even go myself; but
made some kind of shift to hold worship privately in our own
chamber--I hope with an honest, but I am quite sure with a very
much divided mind. Indeed, there was scarce anything that more
affected me, than thus to kneel down alone with her before God like
man and wife.
One day it was snowing downright hard. I had thought it not
possible that we should venture forth, and was surprised to find
her waiting for me ready dressed.
"I will not be doing without my walk," she cried. "You are never a
good boy, Davie, in the house; I will never be caring for you only
in the open air. I think we two will better turn Egyptian and
dwell by the roadside."
That was the best walk yet of all of them; she clung near to me in
the falling snow; it beat about and melted on us, and the drops
stood upon her bright cheeks like tears and ran into her smiling
mouth. Strength seemed to come upon me with the sight like a
giant's; I thought I could have caught her up and run with her into
the uttermost places in the earth; and we spoke together all that
time beyond belief for freedom and sweetness.
It was the dark night when we came to the house door. She pressed
my arm upon her bosom. "Thank you kindly for these same good
hours," said she, on a deep note of her voice.
The concern in which I fell instantly on this address, put me with
the same swiftness on my guard; and we were no sooner in the
chamber, and the light made, than she beheld the old, dour,
stubborn countenance of the student of Heineccius. Doubtless she
was more than usually hurt; and I know for myself, I found it more
than usually difficult to maintain any strangeness. Even at the
meal, I durst scarce unbuckle and scarce lift my eyes to her; and
it was no sooner over than I fell again to my civilian, with more
seeming abstraction and less understanding than before. Methought,
as I read, I could hear my heart strike like an eight-day clock.
Hard as I feigned to study, there was still some of my eyesight
that spilled beyond the book upon Catriona. She sat on the floor
by the side of my great mail, and the chimney lighted her up, and
shone and blinked upon her, and made her glow and darken through a
wonder of fine hues. Now she would be gazing in the fire, and then
again at me; and at that I would be plunged in a terror of myself,
and turn the pages of Heineccius like a man looking for the text in
church.
Suddenly she called out aloud. "O, why does not my father come?"
she cried, and fell at once into a storm of tears.
I leaped up, flung Heineccius fairly in the fire, ran to her side,
and cast an arm around her sobbing body.
She put me from her sharply, "You do not love your friend," says
she. "I could be so happy too, if you would let me!" And then,
"O, what will I have done that you should hate me so?"
"Hate you!" cries I, and held her firm.